Passive Aggressiveness—The Inability to be Vulnerable

Leveraging the skill of vulnerability can be transformative, particularly for those prone to passive aggression.

Photo by Julissa Helmuth

“Passive-aggressive behavior is the perverse art of letting someone know you’re not happy without actually telling them.”
― Nitin Namdeo

We humans are complex creatures. Our ability and willingness to sometimes inflict relentless pain and suffering on our fellow human beings are truly unique in the mammalian world among like species. I just spent three days in Selma, AL as a senior trainer with R. Lynch Enterprises conducting a leadership tour for a client to learn about leadership from the 1965 voting rights efforts there in that city, a former citadel of racism in the deep South. It’s my favorite venue of the many where we conduct leadership tours because of the remarkable personal and moral courage displayed by so many supporters and leaders of the voting rights campaign—John Lewis, Martin Luther King, Jr., Amelia Boynton, Frederick Reese, and hundreds of others—in the face of countless vicious, racist, public attacks against them. These remarkable people endured, thankfully. Considering today’s efforts, some obvious and others subtle, to suppress this most basic American citizen right once again, the leadership tour is especially relevant and meaningful.

Of course, not all aggression is as obvious, visible, or direct as it was in Selma 60 years ago. Because most people aren’t confrontational, passive aggressiveness is more prevalent than overt hostility. This type of behavior often masks a deeper incapacity: the inability to be vulnerable. Understanding this connection can help us understand ourselves better and help us navigate relationships more effectively and foster deeper connections with those around us. But we first need to understand what leads someone to be passively aggressive.

Passive aggression is a coping mechanism employed to express negative feelings indirectly rather than openly confronting the issue at hand. This approach might involve sarcastic remarks, silent treatment, backhanded compliments, or procrastination in fulfilling obligations. Consider the example of a colleague who, feeling overlooked for a promotion, communicates their displeasure not by voicing their feelings but through subtle sabotage or by withholding crucial information during team meetings that would benefit all. This indirect expression of discontent is a hallmark of passive-aggressive behavior, indicating a reluctance to directly address personal grievances.

This reluctance is often rooted in a lack of vulnerability. Being vulnerable involves openness and emotional exposure—it requires acknowledging and sharing personal truths, including fears and failures, which can be daunting. People who are passive-aggressive typically struggle with vulnerability because it demands a level of emotional transparency they are uncomfortable with. For instance, admitting jealousy over a colleague's success can be far more challenging than masking those feelings with passive resistance or snide remarks.

The connection between passive aggression and an inability to be vulnerable can also impact personal relationships. Take, for example, a partner who responds with, "Whatever you think is best," when discussing significant relationship decisions. This passive dismissal often shields an underlying fear of engagement or confrontation, reflecting a barrier to expressing genuine desires or concerns. It is a protective shield, keeping the individual from the potential emotional discomfort of being openly wrong or dismissed.

This lack of vulnerability not only stifles personal growth but also hinders the development of healthy, transparent relationships. When someone uses passive aggression rather than vulnerability, they deny their partner, friend, or colleague an opportunity to understand their true feelings and intentions. This can lead to a cycle of misunderstanding and resentment, undermining trust and intimacy in the relationship. And without trust, no relationship will last.

This doesn’t mean we should be a no-holds-barred outpouring of what’s on our minds, regardless of the situation or context we find ourselves in. No, tact, decency, empathy all are applicable. But figuring out what’s right for the situation and how it can be improved, how the relationship can be salvaged, enhanced, or maintained, are also part of vulnerability. Yeah, it’s work, but good work.

Leveraging the skill of vulnerability can be transformative, particularly for those prone to passive aggression. It involves developing emotional intelligence, practicing clear communication, and cultivating a safe environment where open expression is not just accepted but encouraged. It involves opening yourself up, making efforts to establish common ground with others. By making this kind of effort, individuals can break free from the damaging patterns of passive aggression and engage more authentically with the world around them, paving the way for more fulfilling interactions and relationships.

Thankfully, the savagery, the viciousness, the hatred, both personal and institutional, that was common in places like Selma, AL, back in the 50s and 60s, directed at fellow human beings, do not rear their ugly heads very often anymore. But sometimes they do, and given our hyper-media age they’re exposed in all their ugliness. More insidious are the subtle, passive forms of aggression, for they’re harder to identify and expose.

If we’re honest with ourselves, we all have been passive-aggressive in some capacity, whether it be at work, or with other more intimate relationships, or even casual ones. It’s part of being human. Understanding the power that is vulnerability and how to leverage it to establish and maintain more fulfilling relationships can help us avoid that unhelpful and damaging tendency. My book, Large and In Charge No More—A Journey to Vulnerable Leadership, can show you how.