We all do it: When someone asks, “How are you?” or “How’s it going?” our immediate impulse is typically to respond with, “Fine, thanks,” or “Great, how about you?” Regardless of whether those are true. This response, while polite and quick, oftentimes doesn’t reflect our real state of mind. Many of us have been conditioned to give this automatic answer, aiming to keep conversations light or avoid seeming helpless or exposed. Yet not every moment calls for brushing off our genuine feelings. Depending on who we’re talking with, it can actually be beneficial to respond with a little more truth, opening the door a bit to our own reality. Letting close friends or loved ones know how we're honestly doing can create a more meaningful connection and invite their support.
Being honest in these moments requires a level of vulnerability that can feel uncomfortable. Admitting that things aren’t “fine” or “great” can feel like exposing a part of ourselves we’d prefer to keep hidden, especially when we’re not feeling our best. But this act of openness can be a helpful step toward building trust and understanding. When we let others see beyond the typical “I’m fine” response, we show that we value their time and presence enough to share our authentic selves. This doesn’t mean unloading every concern on anyone who asks, but rather thoughtfully choosing moments and people where honesty feels safe and supportive. And doing so judiciously.
As I’ve written about before, these moments call for us being authentically vulnerable—no hidden agenda, ulterior motive, just being who we are. This authentic vulnerability, which is how we establish genuine connection with others, is opposed to strategic vulnerability, which is all about getting something: sympathy, forgiveness, an advantage, favoritism. Others see right through this kind of vulnerability, and it backfires on us, leaving our credibility damaged.
Of course, it’s wise to reserve deeper disclosures for those closest to us, where we feel heard and valued. Being vulnerable is not about revealing everything to everyone, but about having the courage to let others in when the time is right. When we start to replace “I’m fine” with more genuine answers with those we trust, we foster relationships rooted in empathy and understanding. In these moments, we let others enter the door we’ve just opened—fully or just enough—creating opportunities for genuine connection and mutual support.
So next time you’re asked how you’re doing, pause for a second and consider letting someone know how in fact you really are doing. You might be surprised at the response.
For more on the power of vulnerability, consider my book Large and In Charge No More—A Journey to Vulnerable Leadership.